Hey, you all know by now that we’re pretty liberal. We’re all about Human Rights and respecting sovereignty and due process and all that jazz. But our country just shot Osama bin Laden in the face and you know what? We couldn’t be more pleased about it. Cause seriously, fuck that guy. He may have been a human being and all, but he was literally the worst person in the world. If he had a grave, we’d gladly dance on it. We’d piss on it. We’d dance in piss- even though that’s pretty gross. Yes, we’re laughing at dead-Laden, and we’re the good guys.
Because when you think about it, it’s quite funny. He was buried at sea which is funny in and of itself. It’s especially funny since he was not cremated first, so it’s entirely possible that he could turn up in a fishing net sometime, or wash up on the beach a la Weekend at Bernie’s. Osama might even get eaten by a shark. Imagine that… a shark chomping on bin Laden, with the turban getting stuck in its teeth. Hi-larious.
The funniest part though is that he was just chilling in the suburbs. It got us thinking… Who else is just hanging out in Suburbia?
Jimmy Hoffa. When people think of mob-related activity and big time union bosses, they usually just assume everyone involved is Italian, but Hoffa’s people were actually Pennsylvania Dutch. When the shit hit the fan, old Jimmy probably just fucked off to Amish Country. It’s a little more believable than being buried under the end zone at Giants Stadium, isn’t it? No telephones, no electricity, no nothing. It’s the easiest place in the world to hide. Sure, he’d be 98 years old by now, but clean living agrees with a man. Brother Jimmy’s probably hanging out in Lancaster County, eating shoefly pie and raising barns yet.
DB Cooper. DB Cooper was hijacking planes way back when bin Laden was a beardless pip in a madrasa somewhere. Cooper boarded a plane with a bomb at PDX in 1971 and received a $200,000 ransom before parachuting to the ground and evading detection for evermore. Cooper landed somewhere in the woods of the Pacific Northwest and hasn’t been seen since. While he never achieved the notoriety of Ronnie Biggs, we doubt he’s been living in a Unabomber-style shack for all these years. The man knew his airplanes, and we wouldn’t be at all surprised if he was hiding in the plainest sight of all with a second career as a TSA agent at Sea-Tac. After all, $200k isn’t much to retire on.
Elvis. Yes, Virginia, there is an Elvis Claus. Of Course Elvis is still alive. Of course he is. People see him all the time. The King has been sighted in every state in the union since his supposed “death” in 1977. The only possible explanation for this is that for whatever reason he turned into an RV enthusiast. We’re not saying that all those Elvis sightings are legit, but, you know, most of them probably are. Keep your eyes open next time you’re at a highway rest stop, a hokey campground or a NASCAR race. That crusty old loner with the sideburns just might be one true King of Rock and Roll.