If you’re looking for us today, we’ll be out visiting family. If you’re looking for us tomorrow, we’ll be making the rounds of grocery and convenience stores buying up Mary Sue Easter Eggs at a discount.
Maybe you’re the type that doesn’t dress up a lot. Perhaps you’re a lot more comfortable in a pair of Adidas or Converse than brogues or boots. Style is a matter of taste and lifestyle, and at the end of the day it’s to each his own.
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and for a lot of you it will represent one of the two or three times you’ll see the inside of a church this year. Or you may just be getting together with family. Or your girlfriend’s family. For most people, whatever they’re doing, Easter is a prime day for wearing the best pair of shoes you own.
There’s no substitute for a proper shoeshine, but if you’re the sort who usually takes to shoes that don’t need polishing and has only one pair of dress shoes buried way back in the bottom of the closet and reserved for weddings and funerals, you may be caught out tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning when you wake up all hungover and reluctant and pull out your sad sack of a suit and try to remember how to tie a four in hand, you may then notice that your dress shoes have a nice patina of dust, cigarette ashes and beer foam stains, and you’ve got to be out the door in 10 minutes because you hit that snooze button too hard. Even if you had the time to give your shoes a proper shine, you don’t have brushes, cloth or polish, because after all, who the hell keeps that on hand all the time?
Fear not, slovenly friend. The Chop has you covered.
The 10 Second Shoe Shine
- Gather 4 paper towels and a can of furniture polish.
- Spray one towel liberally with furniture polish and coat your shoe leather evenly.
- Buff it lightly with a dry towel.
- Repeat both steps on the other shoe.
That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Your shoes aren’t going to pass Marine Corps muster, but they’re going to look a sight better than they did 10 seconds ago, and probably even be presentable. Furniture polish is all wax based, as is shoe polish, so there’s no need to worry about harming your shoes. If they’re in a very sorry state with quite a bit of dust and dirt present, you’d also do well to wipe them down first with one end of a slightly damp cloth or towel and dry them with the other side.
It may not be ideal, but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper and more sensible way to clean your shoes than wasting perfectly good Champagne on them.
You ain’t reading blogs today. You’re hiding pretty eggs from your nieces and nephews and drinking Madras’ and eating more chocolate than is good for you.
But once that’s all done, go to the Hexagon tonight.
But wait… There’s More! Sick Weapons gives you a Birthday Gift courtesy of Reptilian.
But Wait… There’s More! HOLLYWOOD shows you Some Stunts by way of Some Records.
But Wait… There’s More! Dope Body shows you how you can get Your Dopest Body on sparkling crystal clear DVD.
This is maybe the most important Baltimore Show in 10 years. Come to it. Bring booze. Bring money for records. If you don’t you’re going to regret it for a long, long time.