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The HGTV Drinking Game

Ever since we got into the market to buy our first home, we’ve been watching a lot of HGTV. Whether you’re looking for design and decor ideas for your own house, or just want to gawk at the way other people are living, Home and Garden’s got something for you.

We especially like to watch on weekend days, which is prime time for domestic projects and a time when there’s typically very little else on the air worth watching. Of course, weekend days are also the best time for brunch, and it’s this happy coincidence that led us to invent the HGTV drinking game.

The Chop's favorite HGTV show? The Unsellables, of course.

HGTV features dozens of different shows, but they all basically fall into one of three categories; interior design makeovers, buying and selling, and total renovation. As you’d imagine, there’s plenty of crossover among those categories, so you can still play the game effectively whether you’re watching Color Splash, Bath Crashers, or Property Virgins.

Since we’re talking about brunch and daylight here, it’s important to note that this game is best played with a Bloody Mary, French 75, Madras, or similar cocktail. No Jameson shots or canned beer shotgunning here.

Take one sip when you hear the words:

  • backsplash
  • lifestyle
  • entertaining
  • neutral
  • ugly
  • green
  • distressed
  • repurposed
  • walk away from
  • mid-century
  • counter space
  • stainless steel
  • surprise
  • granite
  • short sale

Take two sips if:

  • the homeowner overpaid during the boom
  • anyone complains about anything in relation to ‘double sinks’ or ‘a true master suite’
  • a homeowner is hit with a surprise added expense during a renovation
  • the room makeover is < $50 under budget
  • anyone demands an open floor plan
  • you spot anything from ikea
  • someone uses a dining room as anything other than a dining room
  • the show is filmed in Canada
  • the homeowner has a stupid hobby
  • anyone makes a cheap headboard from scratch

Three sips if:

  • anyone has to design around a big screen TV.
  • someone’s parents are paying part of their rent/mortgage
  • there’s a marriage proposal involved in the episode
  • anyone thinks they’re in a ‘bad area’ or ‘dangerous neighborhood’
  • a property is priced over $1,000,000

Drain your drink if:

  • the show is filmed in Baltimore
  • a real estate transaction falls through at the end of the show
  • someone sustains a fairly serious injury during filming
  • someone cries for any reason

These are just a few suggestions. You can add more of your own, or even subtract a few if things get out of hand. Ideally, you shouldn’t be passed out by mid-afternoon, but should be just buzzed enough to say “Why yes, I do need to go to Pier 1 and buy a creepy glass head like right now! That’s exactly what I need in my life.

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Return of the Chop!

If you happened yesterday to notice the sun shining brightly and the birds chirping merrily, you were not mistaken. It was none other than nature heralding the Chop’s triumphant return to Baltimore Town.

And its lucky we got back when we did! For shame, Baltimore. Shame on you. Just because we’ve been away doesn’t mean we don’t know what you’ve been up to. We know you’ve been laid up on the couch in your snuggie, eating cheesy garlic mashed potatoes, drinking Cutty Sark, Sailor Jerry Rum, and whatever other gross booze is leftover from Xmas when you tried to foist it off on your kith and kin, all while waiting for your netflix to show and pretending to give a shit about the Olympics and Haiti.

So get your sad, sorry sack of a self up and into the shower. Wash off the cheeto-dust. scrub away the couch lint and cat hair, and for Christ’s sake brush your wine-teeth. Put on a sexy, seasonally inappropriate dress and stick a credit card into your bra, because the Chop is home and We’re Going Out!

But take your time about it. Because, after all, our little European jaunt wasn’t all pleasure. It was, technically, a business trip. The Chop works hard (sometimes) if you can believe it. Hell, for the last four months, we’ve actually had to wake up at 8am every morning. Do you know how terrible that is Baltimore? (Of course you do. You work for a living, I’m sure.) But it simply doesn’t agree with the Chop’s delicate patrician constitution. And if you think a couple feet of snow is bad, well, it snows in Europe too. It just doesn’t pile up because of the horrendous 50 kt winds off the North Sea.

The Chop has certainly earned the right to laze about on the couch for a bit and enjoy a few cocktails on our new furniture while we use the big screen to catch up on Always Sunny and The Sarah Silverman Program. We will, however, resume our normal carousing and bon-vivanterie later this week.

And lazing about is exactly what we plan to do tonight, after we return from a trek to the far suburbs to visit Mama Chop and Papa Chop, and reclaim the Chopmobile from its storage place, far away from the snowplows and the mayor’s DPW goon squad.

Tomorrow, you’ll be glad to know, we begin the groundwork of the Big Idea, which is totally happening, and will lead to even more nights inside the confines of our Stately North Baltimore Pleasure Dome.

In other news, we will post a little more about the trip this week, but not to bore you to death, since this is not a travel blog. We’ve also had some ideas to make this blog better. Some of which you might notice in the near future, some of which you probably won’t, but will improve the content nonetheless.

See you soon.

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