Tag Archives: Suburbs

There Goes the Neighborhood…

Hey, you all know by now that we’re pretty liberal. We’re all about Human Rights and respecting sovereignty and due process and all that jazz. But our country just shot Osama bin Laden in the face and you know what? We couldn’t be more pleased about it. Cause seriously, fuck that guy. He may have been a human being and all, but he was literally the worst person in the world. If he had a grave, we’d gladly dance on it. We’d piss on it. We’d dance in piss- even though that’s pretty gross. Yes, we’re laughing at dead-Laden, and we’re the good guys.

Because when you think about it, it’s quite funny. He was buried at sea which is funny in and of itself. It’s especially funny since he was not cremated first, so it’s entirely possible that he could turn up in a fishing net sometime, or wash up on the beach a la Weekend at Bernie’s. Osama might even get eaten by a shark. Imagine that… a shark chomping on bin Laden, with the turban getting stuck in its teeth. Hi-larious.

The funniest part though is that he was just chilling in the suburbs. It got us thinking… Who else is just hanging out in Suburbia?

Jimmy Hoffa

Jimmy Hoffa. When people think of mob-related activity and big time union bosses, they usually just assume everyone involved is Italian, but Hoffa’s people were actually Pennsylvania Dutch. When the shit hit the fan, old Jimmy probably just fucked off to Amish Country. It’s a little more believable than being buried under the end zone at Giants Stadium, isn’t it? No telephones, no electricity, no nothing. It’s the easiest place in the world to hide. Sure, he’d be 98 years old by now, but clean living agrees with a man. Brother Jimmy’s probably hanging out in Lancaster County, eating shoefly pie and raising barns yet.

DB Cooper

DB Cooper. DB Cooper was hijacking planes way back when bin Laden was a beardless pip in a madrasa somewhere. Cooper boarded a plane with a bomb at PDX in 1971 and received a $200,000 ransom before parachuting to the ground and evading detection for evermore. Cooper landed somewhere in the woods of the Pacific Northwest and hasn’t been seen since. While he never achieved the notoriety of Ronnie Biggs, we doubt he’s been living in a Unabomber-style shack for all these years. The man knew his airplanes, and we wouldn’t be at all surprised if he was hiding in the plainest sight of all with a second career as a TSA agent at Sea-Tac. After all, $200k isn’t much to retire on.

Elvis Presley

Elvis. Yes, Virginia, there is an Elvis Claus. Of Course Elvis is still alive. Of course he is. People see him all the time. The King has been sighted in every state in the union since his supposed “death” in 1977. The only possible explanation for this is that for whatever reason he turned into an RV enthusiast. We’re not saying that all those Elvis sightings are legit, but, you know, most of them probably are. Keep your eyes open next time you’re at a highway rest stop, a hokey campground or a NASCAR race. That crusty old loner with the sideburns just might be one true King of Rock and Roll.


Filed under Chop Rants!

Mikey Erg, Dead Mechanical & More @ Charm City Art Space Tonight

We kind of miss they heyday of pop-punk. When you go to high school out in the far suburbs, you tend to get sentimental about some pretty strange things; domestic economy cars covered in stickers, VCR’s playing cheeseball comedies, shopping malls, Denny’s, egg throwing… when we think of pop punk, it’s all bound up with these kind of things.

The last time we had anything to do with any of those things, legions of pop-punk bands roamed the country, cussing, skating, farting and snot-rocketing their way from town to town. Lookout! Records was at its peak, and bands like the Queers, the Mr. T Experience, Screeching Weasel, and Face to Face were elevating suburban punk to a new level.

Mikey Erg puts the pop back in punk at CCAS tonight. 7 pm.

Those were the days. The old guard of pop punk is, well, old. Very few bands these days are playing songs about basements and rent-a-cops, and even fewer are doing it right.

This is why tonight’s show at the Charm City Art Space is worth taking note of. Mikey Erg, formerly of The Ergs will be holding court Dunaway style at the Art Space tonight, playing old favorites, covers, and even new songs. He’s also bringing along bandmates from his new-ish band House Boat, featuring former members of other bands you should have heard of by now.

Rounding out the bill are DC’s Junkpile and Baltimore’s own Dead Mechanical, who are perennial favorites here at the Baltimore Chop.

If the kid in you has a Christmas list full of whoopee cushions, Dead Milkmen t-shirts, and skateboards, you’re going to want to make it out to this tonight.


Charm City Art Space is located at 1731 Maryland Avenue in Station North. 7 pm doors, all ages.

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Filed under Baltimore Events, shows

Iron Man Double Feature @ White Marsh Tonight

Once again the Chop plays the black sheep and goes against the grain. While the rest of you are trying to cure your Cinco de Mayo tequila hangovers by sitting in the dark at the Maryland Film Festival with movies like Putty Hill and Total Recall, and engaging in a grand old game of John Waters spotting, we’re high-tailing it to the Suburbs for a big-time Hollywood midnight double feature.

The Chop faces this quandry on a nightly basis.

White Marsh is running a screening of Iron Man tonight as well as a midnight showing of the general premiere of Iron Man 2. It’s kind of an odd choice for us, since we were only barely lukewarm on Iron Man when we saw it at The Big and Beautiful Bengie’s Drive-In Theater the first time. But sometimes Roommate says “Hey, you wanna do this?” and the Chop says “Sure. Why the hell not?”

In the morning will Downey be sober... or dead?!?

Of course every time we go to a midnight movie in the Suburbs it always seems to be us and about 500 bratty obnoxious spoiled teenagers who don’t seem to know that when you’re in the movies you’re supposed to turn off your cell phone and, you know, shut the fuck up for 90 minutes.

And no… you can’t have one kid save 9 seats while everyone else goes out to smoke. It doesn’t fucking work that way!


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Filed under Baltimore Events, Film

Winds and Words of War @ Harford County Public Library

Yes, it is highly unusual for the Chop to blog something outside Baltimore City, but as it happens today is Mama Chop’s birthday, so we’re going to play the role of dutiful son and drive out to the far suburbs, flowers and birthday card in hand, for dinner.

We’re in luck tonight too, because on the way we’re going to stop by the Bel Air branch of the Harford County Public Library to check out the awkwardly named Winds and Words of War poster exhibit.

One of 40 WWI posters on display at HCPL branches through May 31

W&WofW is a traveling exhibit of 40 WWI era posters which are archived at the San Antonio Public Library. Harford is one of only seven national stops on it’s tour. The collection is split between the Bel Air and Jarrettsville branches, and is available to view from now until May 31, Mon, Fri, Sat – 10am – 5pm and
Tue, Wed, Thu 1pm – 8pm.

In our opinion, the WWI & II era was the height of poster design, and each one we see is as fascinating as the last. The Chop once had a chance to view a collection of original War Shipping Administration posters from both world wars similar to this one, and we were absolutely blown over. Looking at these posters is like looking through a window back into history. When we watch Mad Men, this is what really comes to mind. Hell, they almost make us want to go to war today. That’s how powerful they can be.

1942 WWII War Shipping Administration poster from USMMA.

This post is taking forever to write, thanks to google images. If we could spend all day looking at these posters, we certainly would. If you’re not up for a drive to the far suburbs, you can waste your whole day looking at posters online here, here, and here.

We might also pop into Harford County’s best bar Sean Bolan’s for a pint or three after dinner.

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Return of the Chop!

If you happened yesterday to notice the sun shining brightly and the birds chirping merrily, you were not mistaken. It was none other than nature heralding the Chop’s triumphant return to Baltimore Town.

And its lucky we got back when we did! For shame, Baltimore. Shame on you. Just because we’ve been away doesn’t mean we don’t know what you’ve been up to. We know you’ve been laid up on the couch in your snuggie, eating cheesy garlic mashed potatoes, drinking Cutty Sark, Sailor Jerry Rum, and whatever other gross booze is leftover from Xmas when you tried to foist it off on your kith and kin, all while waiting for your netflix to show and pretending to give a shit about the Olympics and Haiti.

So get your sad, sorry sack of a self up and into the shower. Wash off the cheeto-dust. scrub away the couch lint and cat hair, and for Christ’s sake brush your wine-teeth. Put on a sexy, seasonally inappropriate dress and stick a credit card into your bra, because the Chop is home and We’re Going Out!

But take your time about it. Because, after all, our little European jaunt wasn’t all pleasure. It was, technically, a business trip. The Chop works hard (sometimes) if you can believe it. Hell, for the last four months, we’ve actually had to wake up at 8am every morning. Do you know how terrible that is Baltimore? (Of course you do. You work for a living, I’m sure.) But it simply doesn’t agree with the Chop’s delicate patrician constitution. And if you think a couple feet of snow is bad, well, it snows in Europe too. It just doesn’t pile up because of the horrendous 50 kt winds off the North Sea.

The Chop has certainly earned the right to laze about on the couch for a bit and enjoy a few cocktails on our new furniture while we use the big screen to catch up on Always Sunny and The Sarah Silverman Program. We will, however, resume our normal carousing and bon-vivanterie later this week.

And lazing about is exactly what we plan to do tonight, after we return from a trek to the far suburbs to visit Mama Chop and Papa Chop, and reclaim the Chopmobile from its storage place, far away from the snowplows and the mayor’s DPW goon squad.

Tomorrow, you’ll be glad to know, we begin the groundwork of the Big Idea, which is totally happening, and will lead to even more nights inside the confines of our Stately North Baltimore Pleasure Dome.

In other news, we will post a little more about the trip this week, but not to bore you to death, since this is not a travel blog. We’ve also had some ideas to make this blog better. Some of which you might notice in the near future, some of which you probably won’t, but will improve the content nonetheless.

See you soon.

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Filed under A Day in the Life of the Chop