The last time the Red Sox were in town, we pointed out in a post that while having our city and our stadium flooded with Massholes and Jersey Mooks is certainly unpleasant, it could indeed be very much worse. This week, although their fans are safely back at home, the O’s are in Boston for a two game set, and that means it’s time for another edition of It Could Be Worse!
If, hypothetically, there were to be a shakeup in the league, we could be seeing the O’s play an unbalanced schedule against any team in the MLB, and between Southwest’s cheap flights, chartered trips for groups, and bandwagon fans, we could be facing invasions of a much different character.
You can feel free to tase a Philly fan. They're all too drunk to really feel it anyway.
The Philadelphia Phillies. Thank the little Baby Jesus that it’s DC who has to deal with these douchebags and not us. Phillies fans were recently named the worst in all of sports by GQ, and with good reason. In Baltimore, we don’t tailgate baseball. We have our drinks in a nearby bar, like gentlemen should. If we played the Phillies we’d be overrun by an epidemic of public drunkenness. There’d not be a single lot or garage downtown that didn’t reek of piss and skunked Yuengling, strewn with empty cases and crushed green glass. You see, you’ve got to drink a lot if you’re going to intentionally use vomit as a weapon against an 11 year old girl.
As you can see from the picture in that link, Philly fans are wont to soak up all that booze with some of the worst food on the planet. To them, the four food groups are chopped steak, fried onions, greasy rolls, and Cheese Whiz. The cheesesteaks are just the appetizers though. Over the course of a 9 inning game, these slobs will pile in Italian cold cuts, soft pretzels, a ton of Tastykakes, macaroni, stromboli, and whatever else they can get their greasy hands on. Whole sections of Camden Yards would need to close for repairs after each series, as the seats just aren’t designed to hold that much weight.
Perhaps the worst part of playing the Phillies though would be having to put up with the ESPN broadcasts. Philly is right up there with Boston and New York in being ESPN darlings, and they’ve hosted two Sunday Night Baseball broadcasts in the last three weeks, as well as Monday and Wednesday Night Baseball this week. Dan Shulman, Orel Hershiser and Bobby Valentine are all annoying blowhards who are more interested in hearing themselves chatter than actually calling plays in the game. Last Sunday’s broadcast was unwatchable, with cutaway shots after every pitch, heaps of praise on superstar players whether they perform or not, and footage of the fucking mascot while there’s a hitter in the box. They even missed showing a home run on the first pitch of an inning, because they were too busy talking about John Kruk stuffing his fat face with a cheesesteak or something equally dumb and unimportant. If they ever try to bring that shit to Baltimore, we say let’s turn them away at the city line.
The Baltimore Chop 
Hey, I love your blog..really, I do. I was just a bit miffed on this one. I am a Phillies fan, but as I went to college in the great state of Maryland, I became an O’s fan as well. And I agree with the Massholes and Jersey Mooks. (A few years back, I came to an O’s game and it was allll Sox fans, it was awful).
But you are falling into the trap of what the national media does to villify Philadelphia. Yes, there are some assholes. No doubt about that. But every city has them. The Phillies played the Orioles from the start of interleague play until I think around 2005 or so. And let me tell you, everyone I know that came down to Bmore had nothing but great things to say about Baltimore, Camden Yards, and Orioles fans. Even when the Phils dont play the Orioles, I know alot of people that come down for games. And everyone loves it.
Now – the tailgating vs bar thing. You have to understand, we don’t have bars to go to. Our stadiums are in an industrial area in South Philadelphia. I would LOVE if we had a pre-game scene like Baltimore. I cant tell you how many nice spring nights back in the 90’s I spent at the Wharf Rat or Pickles. I hate tailgating for baseball myself…but its our only option.
I read a great piece a few years back comparing the Phils to the O’s of the 90’s. New stadium, winning team, and then a slide. It wasnt long ago for the Phils where you could walk up to a game and bascially sit anywhere you want. Like the Orioles of the mid-late 90s, its hard to get a ticket now.
Maybe I am just taken offense more than I should and feel personally insulted. I love Baltimore..I love the bars and restaurants of Baltimore, I love the neighborhoods of Baltimore, and most of all I love the people. Its my favorite place to visit, and I can’t get down there enough. It just is tough to read harsh words against the city I love from someone who comes from what I consider my second home.
As one of my best friends, and biggest Orioles fan I know, and catcher of the Ken Griffey Jr warehouse home run ball Mark Pallack says– “you’re better than that”.
Sounds like somebody is a little jealous. It’s tough getting up for a team that since Cal Ripken’s hay-day and Brady Anderson’s juicebox chronicles has been a basement dweller. Last time I checked, real sports cities had 4 teams to root for. Baltimore – 2. If you wrote an article patting the Ravens on the back and knocking the Eagles, I would give you some due credit, you would have some clout there. Too bad an “O’s” fan has to pick on a team and their fans that for the past 5 years have won their division and fills up every seat, every night and loads of visiting stadium’s seats in between. How many fans does “Charm City” see through the turnstiles every year? Camden Yards is a favorite “field trip” location for people in the metro Philly area because you can travel with 100 people and get seats together, with a week’s notice. Try to get 20 seats together at a Phillies game. Do me a favor and venture up to a ballpark where there isn’t an empty seat in the house and try it for yourself before you just wallow in the national media’s opinion of a city who has no problem visiting and praising the very small, hospitable area in your city. Enjoy the many years ahead of having the Nationals in inter-league play, it’ll be a 4 game series you may be able to grab a game or two en route to your 60 win season. Enjoy the view from the bottom.