Baltimore Beer Week Begins Today

Today is a holiday in the City of Baltimore. It’s not the usual thing for a holiday to be on a Thursday, but… wait; is today Thursday? Who cares! It’s a holiday. A high holy day. A high holy week. And by week, we mean like 2 weeks. Eleven days to be exact.

Today marks the opening festivities for the third annual Baltimore Beer Week with the Star Spangled Banger Parade kicking off at high noon. They’re going to muster up at Fort McHenry with the eponymous banger, a giant ceremonial cask-cracking mallet. The parade itself is somewhat, er, ambitious; rivaling this Spring’s Schaefer Tour in terms of scope.

The Star Spangled Banger... a mighty symbol of Baltimore's thirst for liberty. The liberty to drink beer, that is.

Billed as a walking pub crawl, the parade begins in Locust Point, but includes stops as far-flung as Alonso’s, Grand Cru, and Canton. We’re kind of dubious that people are walking that far for a pub crawl. Carrying a giant mallet all those miles would be part barhopping, part Olympic torch relay, and part Stanley Cup showoff fiasco. We wouldn’t be surprised if the Charm City Pedal Mill were somehow involved.

For those drinkers not of the pedestrian persuasion, the parade ends at Power Plant Live at 6 pm, where the official opening ceremony will take place and the first firkin of heavy seas will be cracked open. After that, Baltimore Beer Week is pretty much a free-for-all with more than 300 separate events from which to choose.

We made the trip to Oktoberfest last year, and it ended up exactly like we said it would. We might even make it back this year, who knows? The truth is that we’re thoroughly incapable of writing one of those elementary school style essays on the theme of “What Baltimore Beer Week Means to Me,” but one thing is certain, with that many events happening, we’re definitely going to sample a few new brews even though we’re decidedly not a beer snob.

Die Hacken Geht Oktoberfest!

Hey Chop, are you going to Oktoberfest at the Fairgrounds today? Of course we are. Don’t be dumb. We’ve been sweating and swearing in the goddamn desert for the last 3 months, drinking naught but mere element and dreaming of beer and fall weather. There is no way under the sun we’d miss this.

Oh. Are you going to go there by light rail? Certainly! That thing is only good for going to 3 places anyway… the airport, the stadium, and the fairgrounds. When the order of the day is nothing but revelry and rabble-rousing, designated driving is out of the question. Besides, any jackass can sing off key polkas at the top of his lungs in a car. We plan to do it on the train, where you can get a really pukka singalong going if you do it right.

Das ist eine riesige Hündin.

Cool. Do you think you might check out the wife carrying competition? What’s the matter with you!?!?! Wife carrying is our favorite sport ever! Even more than demolition derby and midget wrestling! We don’t even care if it’s not actually German. you’re damn right we’re going to watch it, and maybe even bet on it.

Wait a minute. This is a lot of day drinking. It runs from noon ’til six. What’s up for the rest of the night?
Well, the last time we did any German drinking we stuffed ourselves silly with kraut and beets and cheeses and dumplings and of course, beer. We’re planning on shoving anything we can get our hands on into our greedy, dirty maw, and if history is any indication we’re probably going to flopped out on the bed in a bloated, bleary stupor by about 7 or 7:30. The rest of the night is reserved for watching playoff baseball, eating Tums by the dozen, and enjoying the empty house while Roommate is in NYC for the weekend.

Kind of sounds like you’re a sad old man.

Yeah. Probably am.

And you’re okay with that?

Yep.